hello my name is Fat
To Whom it May Concern,
Hello my name is Fat. As you may or may not be aware, I have been providing services to your body your entire life. Apart from being the most energy & calorically dense macronutrient, I am also able to provide the following services:
⚖ Make & balance hormones
🏗 Form cell membranes, brain & nervous systems
🏃♀️ The most concentrated source of energy
♥️ Cardiovascular protection (excluding protection against heart failure)
🚛Help transport fat-soluble vitamins (A, D, E & K)
🥈Provide 2 fatty acids the body is unable to produce alone.
My employment history is diverse & extensive, I have been employed in a wide variety of foods worldwide. For your convenience I've included the following references:
Job Title: Saturated Fat at Animal Fat, Butter & Tropical Oils Inc.
Job Title: Monounsaturated Fat for Egg Yolk & Lard LLC, Olive Oil & Avocado Inc and Peanut, Tree & Groundnut LLC.
Job Title: Polyunsaturated Fat for FlaxandChia.Com, Mayo & Walnuts LLC and Fish & Most Seed Oils Inc.
I am a great team player and work best in a support position. I am happiest being included in moderation (even on a percentage or gram basis). I have plenty of critics who like to point out my hydrogenated existence in processed & industrialized foods. But I would like to point out that I am rarely found as a naturally occurring trans-fat, and while these associations are not favorable they are delicious & I own that.
I know my worth. My skill set is essential and my price tag reflects this. I charge 9 calories per gram. Despite what my name implies, I have no desire to make you overweight. By the terms of my contract, you may use me at your discretion but be advised that overindulgence leads to my reputation of being stored as adipose (ahem fat) tissue. If treated like the valuable resource I am--and used in moderation from a variety of sources--I can add delicious & satisfying value to the physical & emotional aspects of your life.
I look forward to being appreciated & savored by both you & the body you inhabit.
Very Truly Yours,